Cat-calling and the fear to speak up.

http://www.salon.com/life/broadsheet/2010/10/29/street_harassment/md_horiz.jpg

Hello Fromgirltogirl readers,
This post is from a journal by the founder of Fromgirltogirl, Briana Booker. We will be posting several articles from her diary on various thoughts and experiences from her life. Please comment and share your stories as well. Enjoy.

By Briana Booker

After our class discussion on cat-calling, I ponder how the documentary author was bold enough to ask the question, of why do you think women are flatter when cat-called? I have never thought to ask a man that question.

Often when I walk the street, I have trained myself never to look a man strange to me in the eye. I always fear of drawing unwanted attention to myself. However, even when I do not look directly at men they still go out of their way to get my attention. A recent incident was when I was headed to Georgetown to meet up with a guy I am dating. I went from the Rosslyn metro station and across the Key Bridge to get to the Georgetown Neighborhood. On my way there, a random guy around my age looks at me and goes “Hi, sorry to bother you but do you have a moment?” My first emotion was of panic. It is night time on a Saturday night in a neighborhood full of drunken college students. I am looking for a location and all I want to do is to get there. I pause, and say “No thank you. I am meeting up with some friends.” The guy says he does not want to scare me, and puts his hands up as a sign of no harm doing. The fact he did that, scared me more. Why was a random guy trying to get my attention in the middle of the night for no reason? I kept walking and said “Sorry.” I was not sure why I said sorry. Maybe, I felt bad for not being interested. Or not being interested, although his gesture was polite. I am not sure if I would have reacted differently during the day time or not. I just knew that the situation made me feel uncomfortable. Immediately I texted the guy I was going to see “Do people randomly start conversation with you in this neighborhood? Is that normal?” He told me it was, thinking I was joking, but I never told him a guy randomly stopped me. I did not want him to worry. Even though the event was not that serious, I started observing if I looked a certain way that would make a guy just feel he could approach me. I had a blazer, a baby doll halter on, jeans and boots. I did not think I looked scandalous. But I did not feel disrespected by this encounter. I think what made me worried was that I was in an unfamiliar environment with an unfamiliar person.      

I had worse said to me than a guy just asking to talk to me. I have been walking at night, by myself in high heels when two guys try to get my attention. When I gave no reaction, one man goes “It is okay. I am too big for you anyways,” in reference to his penis. I was disgusted that he even thought he could say that to me. At the same time, I was afraid that these two men would try to put me in their car. They were definitely strong enough to do so and it was once again a late at night stroll for me. My parents often worry of me being out by myself at night. They feel a woman should not be alone at night ever. I was raised very traditionally. But since going to college I have had more freedom than I have ever had before in my life. I like the idea that I can go anywhere I want, whenever I want.

Now, I am starting to understand what my parents have been worried about. No way would I want my daughter to be a victim of violence of verbal or physical abuse. No matter how one looks at cat-calling, I feel it is a means for a man to show power over women, no matter if polite or impolite in gesture. No way would I, as a woman, walk up to a strange man and start hitting on him. I have even been cat-call while hanging out with a group of friend. One night recently, two of my girl-friends and a guy I am friends with had dinner at his new place. He enjoys cooking and has just recently come back from studying aboard in China. After dinner we wanted to play the Wii video game system at American University. Unfortunately, we were not able to because we did not have access to go into a resident’s hall. The four of us decided to walk back to his place. As we are walking a white car, full of guys drives pass us. A guy in the back seat rolls down his window and says…”Can I stick you?” Note, I did not know these guys and so I keep in conversation with the guy that is my friend on a book he read while in China. The guys decided, because I ignored them, to turn around to drive back just to make another cat-call. I felt annoyed and disrespected. If a guy was interested in me, he should be respectful and not be foolish with his friends to get my attention. Once again, I wondered was I dressed appropriate because I was the only one cat-called at and my friend that was a guy tries to make a joke saying “Aren’t you popular?” Instead of me thinking it was funny, it made me self-critique myself. It made me wonder why I was picked. Did I not look modest enough? And the action made me more aware that I was a female. I was a target. I was vulnerable. I could hear my father voice echoing in my head why should a young lady be out at night wandering? But he does not understand that the rules for courtship have changed. He does not understand what it is to be a woman. Often now, when I am alone I wear my mother’s engagement ring to keep strange men from talking to me. I feel as if I am more respected when a man thinks I am taken, that I am in a relationship. Cat-calling does not make me feel flatter. It makes me feel vulnerable. But I do not think men will change their tactics until women stand up for themselves when men cross our boundaries. But it is easier said than done. And I know, for me to be respected, it will start with me speaking up for myself.

Dating call to action: Healthy dating. Avoiding the wrong person and recognizing a healthy relationship.

By Briana Booker

Often when we do not know a good thing from a bad thing, we are more inclined to jump on a fast-paced train. This gets really hard to jump off once on. This happens often in the dating department. But it can be avoidable. You can stop yourself right now, from avoiding the wrong person in dating. You can recognize healthy dating from unhealthy dating. I am writing this post to give myself and Fromgirltogirl readers a call to action.

 Now, when dating first starts it is that great high and excitement of being introduced to something new. You hope for the best. However when one starts declining from this high, reality sets. You have to decide whether you will put your time and effort into another person. You have to decide if you both are going to put two feet in for a healthy dating atmosphere.

We all have had instances where we dated someone we knew, deep down, was not the one for us.  He or she was not right for us. Yet, we still pursued it. Now, logically why would we do that? It is all summed up by the following four themes:

1.Insecurity or loneliness. You do not love yourself enough to want more of yourself and others. You simply settle.
2. External pressures. You feel you have to fit the norm.
3. You think dating is the next logical step.
4.  Length of time and effort you have invested. "I did not want to put to waste all the time I spent and invested in this relationship."

I am here to tell you, it is time to listen to your gut. No matter how you flip it, you know deep down someone is right or wrong for you...by how you instinctively feel. This is how you start on that trend of dating the wrong types of people when you ignore this gut feeling.

Now, to avoid continuing this horrible trend here are some questions you should ask yourself after the first five or six dates you have been with a person. Because, whether you like it or not, the questions of where do we stand will inevitably come up.


Here are five key questions to ask yourself to see if you are truly ready for healthy dating:

1. Will you want to be with this person six months from now?
2.Are you under any pressure to continue dating the person? Are you being influenced by your family or friends?
3.Have you set an deadline for yourself about settling with someone? Is there a Ticking biological clock going in your head?
4.Are you dating because you think it is the next logical step?
5.Are you dating because you are tired of being alone or afraid no one “better” is going to come along?
6. Do you and your date share the same goals, beliefs, and ideals for a relationship? Have you ever talked about any of this with each other?

A majority of people, when they find themselves in bad circumstances, they often say: "I did not want to be selfish" , " I was tired of being alone", " I wanted to date by a certain time", "  I made a promise", or " I did not want to hurt he or she". And I am going to say if you have to say any of these things as explanation for staying somewhere you are not happy with...you have some soul-searching within yourself to do.

Abusive dating in a spiritual or a physical matter will never do any good for anyone involved. Ever. Get yourself together. And then you will be able to function in a healthy manner with someone else. Fact.

The best way to form healthy dating is by getting on the table what you both want and need. You also need to think what is important to you. Values are crucial to how things will progress. For example, if family and traditions are important to you...then make that known to your partner. If faith is something you stand for, make that obvious.

What is important is not a universal list. It will differentiate person to person. However, there is a universal guide to healthy dating qualities. They are as followed, and it starts with questioning:

1.Do you bring out the best in each other, not the worst?
2.Do you encourage each other to grow personally, professionally and emotionally?
3. Can you recognize when change is positive and healthy?
4. Do you trust each other and know that you can count on one another to do the right thing?
5. There’s no jealousy or second-guessing in the relationship?
6. Do you have fun together?
7.Do you share common core beliefs and values?
8. Do you try connecting on an emotional and spiritual level? This is as powerful and vital as a physical connection.
9.Do you communicate with each other out of care and concern instead of judgment and criticism?
10. What is the tone of  your voice when you are critical and judgmental? If It is harsh, there is a good chance there is not real care or concern for the other person.


Real talk. Do you have these qualities in your relationship? If not, you should be listening to that gut feeling. You know what it is right for you. It is that same feeling you had as a child when things just did not seem right. As adults we try to tune out this information.

I leave you with  this question:  If the person you are dating says or does anything counter to your morals or beliefs, how do you feel? Does it make you feel uneasy?

Pay attention to this the next time you start dating someone. Define what concerns you. Think how that behavior or attitude will  make you feel six months from now. If you are still with that person six months from, think how will you feel taking this bullshit 15 years from now. It is something to think about.

Remember, life is about choices. The 'one' you choose as a companion will dictate a great deal of your joys and sorrows. You have a gut feeling about things for a reason. Pay attention to it. It is the way of the universe telling you what is best for you. And it starts with self-love.